All is quiet....

and it seems a little scary. BM has been really nice and sweet, it's almost like the quiet before the storm. I have to appreciate it though while I can get it. The holidays have been becoming more drab in our family, I need something to spruce them up a bit. Nobody wants to get together anymore. What's up with that? It's not about the gifts, it's about being with friends and family and making memories. Oh well, can't force it on them if they don't want it.
I can not wait for all of the kids to open their gifts, they are so awesome (I think so at least).
It's getting down to the wire at work and the last 15 minutes are ticking by (I can literally hear the clock ticking). After today I am off until January 4, 2010, woohoo. I can not believe it is already 2010.
Sounding off, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, Feliz Navidad and a Happy & Prosperous New Year!!!!

Weekend

I am so glad that things worked out this weekend for SD. Her mom was able to come down and pick her up so she could go to her Grandma's Christmas party and she got everything she asked Grandma for. I was able to pick her up early on Sunday so that she could go to my nephew's birthday party, fun!
Though SD was gone, we did not have any alond time, me and the bf. My sister left my 8 year old niece and 19 month old nephew with us. Usually it goes smoothly as the bf watches my nephew M-Th while my sister is at work. Except the boy was not feeling well. He has some nasty poopy diapers and was not eating much on Friday or Saturday morning. After his afternoon nap he woke up ready to eat and did not stop. He ate so much, poor little guy threw up around 1:00 AM. I had to get up and clean the mess he made, so not fun. During the day on Saturday I took my niece to see New Moon, she really liked it, but kind of got scared and she hides her face during the kissing scene. She is hilarious.
So not ready for Christmas but it looks like it will be here whether I'm ready or not. Have a Holly Jolly Christmas and an exceptional New Year!

Why make plans?

We made arrangements with BM before Thanksgiving for the holidays. She would have her for Thanksgiving week and we would have her for Christmas. Great! She also mentioned due to the snow where they live they didn't want to be driving up & down in the snow (they drive a Civic), this is understandable; so they wouldn't be picking her up the month of December until the day after Christmas and then keep her for the other two weeks of vacation. Cool!
Last week grandma calls and wants her the weekend of the 19th & we can meet her half ways. Then SG calls and wants her the same weekend. So last night I call grandma and she gives me her life story & I listen. I tell her there is no way we can make it out there. If someone wants to pick her up that is fine but we do have plans for Sunday as we were not anticipating her leaving this weekend. We actually had plans for the entire weekend, but to save the arguing we agreed to let her go if they will pick her up. After talking with grandma I have SD call her mom as we forgot to call her back last Thursday (we got busy & forgot). BM asks if she can have SD this weekend, I ask if she is picking her up, she says yes, I let her know about Sundays plans already scheduled. She has to call me back, not sure if she can drop off at time we are requesting. Still waiting to hear from her today. Then I have to call SG and let her know what is happening. Apparently her world got turned around as well because BM called to TELL her they are coming for Christmas. WTH! Are you serious? She doesn't ever take anybody else's plans in to consideration. SG had things to do and apparently after their last stay with her, it got ugly and feelings were hurt (SG's).
SG shared with me how difficult it is to have a relationship with BM. I know, I know. I gotta deal with it as well. After talking with SG for a 1/2 hour I was done for the night but still had work to do. I need to be paid some kind of compensation for being everyone's counselor. This sure does take a lot out of me, thank goodness I have a lot of patience, but it is beginning to wear thin on me. We shall see what happens.

Blogging

So I intially got into blogging (not so much myself, but reading blogs) when I was interested in losing weight (still am, but currently doing nothing about it). Then I found blogs about infertility and these blogs really pulled at my heart strings because I too have a problem. Then I read a couple of step-mom blogs and thought hey, I'm one of those, truly, really one of those that lives it everyday of her life. Maybe that will work for me, and to some extent it has. Here is my "dilemma" per se, I always knew that the BF did not want anymore children. I was fine with that as I knew it would be difficult for me to conceive having PCOS and endo and now you can add overweight. Well last night, the BF tells me, "Can't they get your egg and shoot it up with my sperm and stick it in you (this would be Invitro Fertilization IVF)." I tell him yeah, that can be done. And he says, "it doesn't matter if you carry it or someone else carries it, as long as it's me and you providing everything." Okay? No idea where this is coming from, but okay. So I let him know that, hey, it costs about 10 grand to do that, and that is if it works. He tells me, "you don't really need a new car do you?" WTH!
People, do not get me wrong, I have always dreamed of having a child of my own, well, not just one but several. I was 19 when I found out about the difficulties that were going to be if I wanted a child. I cried and I still cry, every now and then when a friend or family member finds out they are with child. I think to myself, how unfair life is. I have rescinded to being childless and my womb never being filled with the life of a growing child. Now this! I know I am going to be absolute basket case when our attempts fail. I am the type of person that looks toward the negative for fear of getting my hopes up and then being let down. Inside I am just beaming and want show how elated I am to hear those words uttered out of the BF's mouth. On the outside, I am frowning and hurting because I do not want to disappoint the BF if nothing ever happens.
I'm not sure if I should start a separate blog if we do decide to go forward with trying to conceive (TTC) or just post updates on this same blog??? I do not even know where any of this is going to go, but I am terrified beyond belief that this is even a possibility. And the SD is already 11 and if it doesn't "take" right away she could very well be 15 before anything happens. That is a huge age gap either way. Not sure what to think of this.

Torn

We have the SD until the 26th or 27th, not too sure as BM is constantly switching things up. Anyhow, I had made plans for us to do things every weekend so we wouldn't be spending them at home the entire time. Well, last week SD's SG called and wanted her to spend Friday night with her. I had already made plans for Friday, we went to her school's Reading night, they had Santa there and cookies and cider. All the kids got a free book. But I think SD is getting too big or "grown up" for that type of stuff. Saturday, I had went to go and take my CBEST and she hung out with her Dad. When I got home we went to the art musuem for Family Day and did some art projects and checked out the exhibits. After that, we went to the park and played disc golf for a little while. It was super cold and super windy by the time we got out there. We went home for a short time and then went to visit my friends newly purchased home. We did not get home until a little after midnight. Sunday we just relaxed, but we needed it.
This coming weekend I want to take a drive through X-mas tree lane in our town. But SD grandma wants her. And next weekend, I signed us up to help at the local food bank putting care packages together for X-mas and my nephews birthday party. And her grandma (mom's mom) wants her that weekend. They live about 2 hours away and I really do not feel like driving up there, nor can I because my car is not running too well. I hate to tell these people no, I'm not the mom, but if I let the BF do it, he is going to be mean about it. Here I am again trying to keep the peace. I hate being stuck in the middle. I am torn because I know the SD will have fun with her Grandma & SG but she will also get to spend time with Dad. What do I do? I hope I can make the right decision. I hate the holidays for this simple fact, who gets the child. It's not spelled out in the court order and we are currently not following the court order as SD is currently living with us. Can't wait for all of this to be over.

Phone Calls

Do any of you get any phone calls from the bio mom asking for help in disciplining the child (in our case SD)? I dropped off the SD on Saturday at her friends to meet her mom and SG there. SD's grandpa passed away last Monday and they were here all week, but never made an attempt to call SD. I had to call Friday night to ask what time to drop off SD on Saturday. I digress... SD calls us on Saturday night asking for email password, she can never remember anything. I tell her but she still can't get in. So I tell her to go and visit, she hasn't seen her grandma since the summer (PEG's mom) or her cousins. She really doesn't want to and you can hear in her voice that she is not happy about doing that. While on the phone I can hear the conversations in the background and they are talking about caramel apples and SD says "I want one". I could hear her mom say, "NO" with disdain in her voice, as if to say you know better. We used to be really strict on the no sweets thing but have since relented as she is not so hyper anymore with chocolate. Before, you would be wise not to give this girl any candy or she would bounce off the walls.
Sunday, me and the BF are bumming around and the phone rings. I had no intention of answering but he does, he never does. It's PEG, SD was being rude to her mom and she doesn't want to listen. Come on now, control your child here, you are the grown up. SD was asked to help grandma vaccuum and SD said she didn't want, she does chores all the time at her dad's (which she does, but she gets paid for it). BF explains to PEG that she does have chores and that she does get paid for them. SD forget to mention that part. She also forgot to mention that she has bought some cool stuff with her money. BF has to calm down SD and PEG. WTH! This bugs me to no end but I have to keep my cool. I have never called PEG to tell her that SD won't listen to me, I nip it in the bud and I get respect from SD.
On another note, when I was on my way to drop off SD, she looked down and asked, "why do I have a banana and a bag of cookies?" I baked some cookies that morning and made her a little bag of 4. I reminded her that while I was doing her hair that she mentioned her tummy was hurting but couldn't tell if she was hungry or what. That is the reason for the banana. She says, "I have the best step-mom ever!" It really tugged at the heart strings her saying that to me. SD and I have a unique relationship that cherish!
Happy Thanksgiving to all! I am thankful for my relationship with the BF and his lovely daughter that is growing up to be such a beautiful young lady.

Exciting Weekend

So SD had a blast with her friend on Friday night at a local churches trunk or treat. Saturday I was feeling kind of sluggish all day but kept trying to shake it off. I started getting SD ready to go out trick or treating around 4 so we could meet my sisters and my cousin with their kids. We started about 6 o'clock and it was about 7:30 when our night got really interesting, really fast all because of me. So I was walking my 19 month old nephew up to the house, he got his candy, but it had a couple of short steps that he did not quite know how to manuever a quick turn around so he kind of stumbled. I bent down to pick up thinking it would be easier. I felt a little trickle come out of my nose and thought, whoah, having some post nasal drip from my sinus surgery. Then it starts coming out a little more and I look at my hand and it is blood. I tell everyone, I'm having a bloody nose and I need some tissue. Wouldn't you know, nobody has any except my sister has some baby wipes. Well I take it, and it is soaked within a couple of seconds. I am holding my nose and I start gagging. I let go off my nose and blood is just shooting out like a water faucet so I quickly hold it again and start gagging again as the blood is draining down my throat. The BF says he is going to the car because I could not walk anywhere. He comes back rather quickly and I tell him to take me to the emergency room as it is not stopping. BF is quite nervous and is asking me to keep talking to him, I tell him to please drive carefully as I can not reach to put my seatbelt on (I am sitting in the backseat). We get to the ER and I have to wait to be checked in, then I have to give them my information which they can not understand because by this time, my sister gave me her sweater to hold my nose (which was white). So I sound all plugged up and nasally. BF walks in and does not understand that they need this information before I can be seen. We go sit down and 20 minutes later I get called back. By then the bleeding has slowed down. I have to blow out the blood clots so the doc can see but has a really hard time still. So he packs my left nostril as he states that that is the side that is bleeding. I go home by 10 and am extremely exhausted and hungry.

While we are at the hospital my youngest sister calls my parents and they rush over (no need). I appreciate them driving the 25 minute drive to the hospital but we could have just kept them updated by phone. My sister took SD to eat pizza, that was our plan to go trick or treating and then for pizza. My sister brought us back a pizza. I ate, took some pain medication as that packing hurt like haiti's when it was stuffed up my nose. I tried to sleep but couldn't really get comfortable as I had to sleep sitting up again. I get up around 2:15 and the BF is still up, so I go the bathroom and tell him he should come to bed already. I settle back in bed and feel like throwing up so I go to the bathroom with a tissue in my hand. By the time I get to the bathroom the tissue is soaked and I am shooting out like a faucet through my right nostril and gagging because my left nostril is packed. BF gets up, and gets me ready to go to the ER once again. They end packing my right nostril after a 3 hour wait this time and calling my EN&T doctor. I go home and try to get some rest but I wake every couple of hours.

Poor SD had to fend for herself for breakfast on Sunday as BF and I had just gotten back in about 5:30 AM. He was exhausted and drained from worrying about me and I was drained from all the blood loss. We got up around 3 and SD came and laid with me. We both watched Dancing with the Stars online and Ugly Betty. She tried out some new candies from her goody bags.

I usually do SD hair in the morning for school but she has had to do it herself 3 out of the past 4 days. She really still has not learned how to do anything with it, so all she does is brush out the tangles and let's go. She did really great on her report card so we have really been riding her because she got a D on her first spelling test of the quarter and she has been slacking off. I understand its because she has not seen her mom in two weeks and she is anxious as she is going to see her this weekend. I can not wait for the weekend to relax. I can't do much so it will be good.

Halloween Eve

It is Halloween Eve and there is much to do. I barely got the last touches for SD's costume last night after having to sit with my sister because she got a flat tire or actually, a hole in her tire. I would have had all of her things ready much sooner, but life happens. As I mentioned before my grandma passed, so my life was pretty much all about driving back and forth from my home to my parents the last couple of days. Yesterday was pretty much the only free time I had and it needed to be done because, hello, she has to dress up for school. SD was a 50's sock hop girl. She looked quite adorable if I do say so myself. She wore this costume with her hair in a curled ponytail, white shoes and a pearl necklace. I made her cheeks rosy and her lips shiny. She felt so pretty compared to her costume with her mom last year. She so wanted to be a dead rock star and SD said she looked ridiculous. Her mom put something together that did not resemble what she wanted. Oh well, she tried. Tonight she is going to a trunk or treat and we will probably go to another one tomorrow as well in my hometown.
I love to dress up SD and she is finally starting to enjoy it as well. She still likes to do tomboyish things though and is not quite lady like. She is learning though. Everyone have a safe and fun Halloween!!!

So much going on....

On Thursday PEG called being her unusually nice self and asked to pick up the SD on Friday from school because her husband had to be at the fire station by 6. (They live 3 hours away from us now.) We did not have plans for this past weekend so it would be okay, and she would be spending Halloween weekend with us anyways.
Friday morning I am brushing SD hair for school and notice some white flakes, thought maybe it was dandruff, I wish. Again she has lice, it was nits that were in her hair. After I pull them out SD mentions, oh yeah, there was one on my towel last night, look, there it is. Ughh! She was going to her moms this weekend so I had to call her and tell her. I decided to call her after my post op appointment. She sounds all defensive telling me she had nothing the prior weekend, which I find hard to believe based on the amount that SD had. PEG also asks me if I would be willing to help her fundraise for her son where I work. Her son was recently diagnosed with Autism and apparently they are having to foot the bill for his in home instruction (I really find that hard to believe, but whatever). Being the nice person I am, I said sure. I will leave the flyers out in our lunch room and on my floor. If people are interested cool, if not, I am not going to push it on them. We had the weekend worked out.
Friday around 1:30 my mom calls me to say that my grandma is not doing so well. I ask if I should get down there now or wait, she says yes, come. My grandma does not look at all. I spend the next 4-5 hours just sitting with my grandma while friends and family come to visit her. I hold her hand and tell her how much I love her. We all go home except for my sister who spends the night with her. Saturday I am on my way back to the hospital but stop at my parents first. Just as I am walking up to the door my phone rings and it is my sister, my grandma is gone. My sister is crying hysterically and I think she is with my grandma. My dad is walking out the house and drives me the 1/2 a mile to the hospital from his house. We walk in the room and my grandma is laying there peacefully. She had such a painful last couple of years and I am glad she is no longer in pain. I will miss her with all my heart and I know she will always be with me. My mom and her youngest brother were with her. They were standing over talking when my mom noticed that she was having a hard time breathing. She told my uncle and he went to get a nurse. When he walked back in he said her eyes are open, and she took one last breath.
This whole weekend has been a whirlwind after this. I had aunts driving from Texas to California but they did not make it in time to say good-bye. The next couple of days will be consumed with family and friends and funerals.

Been Sick

I was so excited to get this blog started and then I got sick. Right after that, I had endoscopic sinus surgery that left me out all last week. I am so behind in my school work and trying to catch up at work as well. I hope to be able to update my blog to current status.
This weekend was one of the weekends that BM picked up SD. We dropped her off at our mutual spot but BM was not going to get there until closer to 8 so SD stayed with her friends and SG(step-grandma, SD's mom). When we went to pick up SD at 6 on Sunday I thought they were possibly running late as I did not see BM's car nor SG's. Being that BM got rid of her cell phone I had to call SG. SG answered and she said that BM, her husband and son had left a little early and left SD there with the friend. I said, oh, okay, I wasn't sure if they were running or just left her here. For some reason SG got upset when I said just left her here, and asked if I was insinuating that her friend was not a person we could trust. That was not what I meant by that comment but, whatever. She says BM has a way of turning things around and she did the same thing. Nobody had bothered to let us know that they would be dropping SD off at 4. Needless to say, no encounter with BM this weekend.
For the weekend before BM called to say they would not be able to pick up SD because they could not afford it. When I had called back SD was already in bed so she asked me to please make sure to let SD know they couldn't pick her up because they did not have the money to drive a total of 12 hours that weekend. How lame is that? SD does not need to be worried with how much money anybody has. I relayed the message because I knew BM would ask the next day, and she did.
Something else that happened over the weekend of the 10th was SD had something to ask me. She didn't know how to ask, so I told just spill it. She wanted to know if she could have some feminine products with her because she did not want to have an accident at school and be embarrased. I told her sure, she can keep one in her backpack and just slip it into her pocket when she needed it. She is eleven, and over the summer when she was with SG and two of her friends(1 boy, 1 girl). The other little girl got up and the boy told her, "you have blood on your behind." The poor girl was mortified and went in to change and could no longer go swimming. SD is desparately trying to avoid that from happening to her. Unfortunately for me, it happened all the time, but that is why I always, always, carried a sweater to wrap around my waist. It was not due to lack of preparation, it was just, it was that bad that I could not change it quick enough before it would leak through. Anyhow, enough about girl stuff. Just wanted to share some of the bonding that SD and I get to have just hanging around the house on the weekends.
I will try to update with how we are were we are now. It was a long road and it keeps twisting and turning and we know it won't be over for another 7 more years.

The Beginning

Let's start from the beginning. I actually met sd a few months before I met the bf. How is that you ask? Well I met my bf through a mutual friend. When I first met sd, boy was she a handful, and who could blame the poor child. She was 4 years old going on 5 and had been on a faster ride of her life than I had been in all of my 24 years put together. I met sd because our friend and I got together for a play date. I was supposed to take my niece but she ended up having to go somewhere so I took my nephew. Between the sd and my nephew there was a considerable age difference. She really did not want to have anything to do with him. What's funny, is now when they get together they play the best and have less fighting than any of the other kids.

I could tell that sd required lots of attention and when she did not get what she wanted, tantrums were in full force. She wanted to constantly be hugged and carried. What you need to understand is, sd never looks her age, she is the jolly green giant, poor girl. She has her mama's genes. She is currently 11 and is the same height as me (not that I'm tall or anything at 5'1"). But boy was she a heavy girl.

When I met sd, her parents had recently separated (2003). She was having a difficult time with things, who wouldn't when your world is being torn upside down. After this play date, it would be just over a year before I would see her again. Mind you, I had not met the bf yet. I met him a couple months later.

My friend and I used to work out together and we were both with the same dance group. Boy did she enjoy going out to eat after a work out (I would usually say no thanks, which is why I lost weight then but it all came back, and more). It was around November 0r December when I met my bf, but did not know then that he would be my bf. We went out to eat at a restaurant I had never eaten at and he happened to work there. My friend caught up with the bf as they hadn't seen each other in a while. We ended up driving up to one of the local tribal casinos and got to know the bf some. I was currently back in a relationship that I should not have been in and he was coming out of a relationship that ended pretty badly. So I never looked at the bf with interest.

I was sure I would see him again, but more as a friend than anything. I would have never imagined we would be were we are given our past relationships. More to continue....

New Blog for topics relating to the "step" life

I am new to wordpress, had a blog for maitaining my health but that is not working out. I got into reading others blogs about being step-moms and thought what a great way to be able to say what I want to others that could possibly understand me.

I am technically not an official step-mom as I am not married, though I have been with my boyfriend(bf) for 6 years this year. He had a 5 year plan and I asked him recently what happened to that plan. He had nothing to say. I have been in step-daughters(sd) life for this long as well. She is now 11 and I met her just shy of her 6th birthday. So I am no stranger to the drama that comes from the birth mom(bm).

I plan to update you on the history and background of how we are were we are. It is an absolute roller coaster, but I would not have it any other way as sd and I are close (though we will never be as close as she is with her mom) but we have some awesome memories together.

I can not wait to be able to hear from others for advice and comments on how to handle certain situations and how I can help others. I am 30 years old and have a good head on my shoulders. Let me just say, that me and the bf are counting down until sd is 18 and we do not have deal with bm on a constant basis.