Tuesday, December 22, 2009

All is quiet....

and it seems a little scary. BM has been really nice and sweet, it's almost like the quiet before the storm. I have to appreciate it though while I can get it. The holidays have been becoming more drab in our family, I need something to spruce them up a bit. Nobody wants to get together anymore. What's up with that? It's not about the gifts, it's about being with friends and family and making memories. Oh well, can't force it on them if they don't want it.
I can not wait for all of the kids to open their gifts, they are so awesome (I think so at least).
It's getting down to the wire at work and the last 15 minutes are ticking by (I can literally hear the clock ticking). After today I am off until January 4, 2010, woohoo. I can not believe it is already 2010.
Sounding off, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, Feliz Navidad and a Happy & Prosperous New Year!!!!

Monday, December 21, 2009


I am so glad that things worked out this weekend for SD. Her mom was able to come down and pick her up so she could go to her Grandma's Christmas party and she got everything she asked Grandma for. I was able to pick her up early on Sunday so that she could go to my nephew's birthday party, fun!
Though SD was gone, we did not have any alond time, me and the bf. My sister left my 8 year old niece and 19 month old nephew with us. Usually it goes smoothly as the bf watches my nephew M-Th while my sister is at work. Except the boy was not feeling well. He has some nasty poopy diapers and was not eating much on Friday or Saturday morning. After his afternoon nap he woke up ready to eat and did not stop. He ate so much, poor little guy threw up around 1:00 AM. I had to get up and clean the mess he made, so not fun. During the day on Saturday I took my niece to see New Moon, she really liked it, but kind of got scared and she hides her face during the kissing scene. She is hilarious.
So not ready for Christmas but it looks like it will be here whether I'm ready or not. Have a Holly Jolly Christmas and an exceptional New Year!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Why make plans?

We made arrangements with BM before Thanksgiving for the holidays. She would have her for Thanksgiving week and we would have her for Christmas. Great! She also mentioned due to the snow where they live they didn't want to be driving up & down in the snow (they drive a Civic), this is understandable; so they wouldn't be picking her up the month of December until the day after Christmas and then keep her for the other two weeks of vacation. Cool!
Last week grandma calls and wants her the weekend of the 19th & we can meet her half ways. Then SG calls and wants her the same weekend. So last night I call grandma and she gives me her life story & I listen. I tell her there is no way we can make it out there. If someone wants to pick her up that is fine but we do have plans for Sunday as we were not anticipating her leaving this weekend. We actually had plans for the entire weekend, but to save the arguing we agreed to let her go if they will pick her up. After talking with grandma I have SD call her mom as we forgot to call her back last Thursday (we got busy & forgot). BM asks if she can have SD this weekend, I ask if she is picking her up, she says yes, I let her know about Sundays plans already scheduled. She has to call me back, not sure if she can drop off at time we are requesting. Still waiting to hear from her today. Then I have to call SG and let her know what is happening. Apparently her world got turned around as well because BM called to TELL her they are coming for Christmas. WTH! Are you serious? She doesn't ever take anybody else's plans in to consideration. SG had things to do and apparently after their last stay with her, it got ugly and feelings were hurt (SG's).
SG shared with me how difficult it is to have a relationship with BM. I know, I know. I gotta deal with it as well. After talking with SG for a 1/2 hour I was done for the night but still had work to do. I need to be paid some kind of compensation for being everyone's counselor. This sure does take a lot out of me, thank goodness I have a lot of patience, but it is beginning to wear thin on me. We shall see what happens.

Thursday, December 10, 2009


So I intially got into blogging (not so much myself, but reading blogs) when I was interested in losing weight (still am, but currently doing nothing about it). Then I found blogs about infertility and these blogs really pulled at my heart strings because I too have a problem. Then I read a couple of step-mom blogs and thought hey, I'm one of those, truly, really one of those that lives it everyday of her life. Maybe that will work for me, and to some extent it has. Here is my "dilemma" per se, I always knew that the BF did not want anymore children. I was fine with that as I knew it would be difficult for me to conceive having PCOS and endo and now you can add overweight. Well last night, the BF tells me, "Can't they get your egg and shoot it up with my sperm and stick it in you (this would be Invitro Fertilization IVF)." I tell him yeah, that can be done. And he says, "it doesn't matter if you carry it or someone else carries it, as long as it's me and you providing everything." Okay? No idea where this is coming from, but okay. So I let him know that, hey, it costs about 10 grand to do that, and that is if it works. He tells me, "you don't really need a new car do you?" WTH!
People, do not get me wrong, I have always dreamed of having a child of my own, well, not just one but several. I was 19 when I found out about the difficulties that were going to be if I wanted a child. I cried and I still cry, every now and then when a friend or family member finds out they are with child. I think to myself, how unfair life is. I have rescinded to being childless and my womb never being filled with the life of a growing child. Now this! I know I am going to be absolute basket case when our attempts fail. I am the type of person that looks toward the negative for fear of getting my hopes up and then being let down. Inside I am just beaming and want show how elated I am to hear those words uttered out of the BF's mouth. On the outside, I am frowning and hurting because I do not want to disappoint the BF if nothing ever happens.
I'm not sure if I should start a separate blog if we do decide to go forward with trying to conceive (TTC) or just post updates on this same blog??? I do not even know where any of this is going to go, but I am terrified beyond belief that this is even a possibility. And the SD is already 11 and if it doesn't "take" right away she could very well be 15 before anything happens. That is a huge age gap either way. Not sure what to think of this.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


We have the SD until the 26th or 27th, not too sure as BM is constantly switching things up. Anyhow, I had made plans for us to do things every weekend so we wouldn't be spending them at home the entire time. Well, last week SD's SG called and wanted her to spend Friday night with her. I had already made plans for Friday, we went to her school's Reading night, they had Santa there and cookies and cider. All the kids got a free book. But I think SD is getting too big or "grown up" for that type of stuff. Saturday, I had went to go and take my CBEST and she hung out with her Dad. When I got home we went to the art musuem for Family Day and did some art projects and checked out the exhibits. After that, we went to the park and played disc golf for a little while. It was super cold and super windy by the time we got out there. We went home for a short time and then went to visit my friends newly purchased home. We did not get home until a little after midnight. Sunday we just relaxed, but we needed it.
This coming weekend I want to take a drive through X-mas tree lane in our town. But SD grandma wants her. And next weekend, I signed us up to help at the local food bank putting care packages together for X-mas and my nephews birthday party. And her grandma (mom's mom) wants her that weekend. They live about 2 hours away and I really do not feel like driving up there, nor can I because my car is not running too well. I hate to tell these people no, I'm not the mom, but if I let the BF do it, he is going to be mean about it. Here I am again trying to keep the peace. I hate being stuck in the middle. I am torn because I know the SD will have fun with her Grandma & SG but she will also get to spend time with Dad. What do I do? I hope I can make the right decision. I hate the holidays for this simple fact, who gets the child. It's not spelled out in the court order and we are currently not following the court order as SD is currently living with us. Can't wait for all of this to be over.